Have you ever wondered why it’s so easy to focus on the negative but the positive just slips through our fingers? Here is why so many of us are chasing happiness but never quite catch it: evolution. Our brains are hard-wired to focus on the negative as an evolutionary survival mechanism. Our ancestors were so concerned with staying alive as that they had no choice but to focus on any potential threat so they could do what they needed to do to stay safe, and ultimately, alive. This is the basis of the fight or flight instinct: when we sense a threat, our body goes into survival mode, preparing to either stay and fight, or turn and run. The flight or fight response gets activated when we perceive a threat. Our body prepares by slowing digestion, routing blood to extremities, increasing heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension, breathing rate, dilating pupils and causing us to sweat. Does any of this sound familiar to you? If so, it’s because as a society, we are constantly living in a state of fight or flight, because of the constant pressures of life, finances, relationships, work, family, technology and so many other things. Even though there is no real threat to our survival, our brain perceives any stressor as potentially life-threatening, and therefore catapults our body into survival mode.
If we apply that logic to our discussion on successes and failures, we would see that a failure leads to a negative feeling in some way, it leads us to feel stressed. When we are stressed, our natural fight or flight instinct pops in. Since we are so focused on survival on a primal level, we focus more on the failures and the negatives because the primal part of our brain is hard-wired to believe that we need to protect ourselves, not realizing how far we have evolved since civilization (this realization happens in a different part of the brain). Therefore, it would be difficult to find happiness and stay happy, or focus on the positive, or celebrate our successes. This happens because something negative will always show up and overshadow the positive, but also because it’s harder for us to hold on to the positive than the negative, because that isn’t how our brains are wired.
In the book called Hardwiring Happiness by Rick Hanson, he talks about how we can change the wiring in our brain if we make a conscious effort to focus on moments of happiness as they arise:
Based on what we’ve learned about experience-dependent neuroplasticity… the brain takes its shape from what the mind rests upon. If you keep resting your mind on self-criticism, worries, grumbling about others, hurts, and stress, then your brain will be shaped into greater reactivity, vulnerability to anxiety and depressed mood, a narrow focus on threats and losses, and inclinations towards anger, sadness, and guilt. On the other hand, if you keep resting your mind on good events and conditions…pleasant feelings, the things you do get done, physical pleasures, and your good intentions and qualities, then over time your brain will take a different shape, one with strength and resilience hardwired into it, as well as realistically optimistic outlook, a positive mood, and a sense of worth.
A very real-life example is when I was working so hard to pay off $90 000 worth of student debt I had accumulated between an undergraduate degree and a master’s degree, and thinking how free I was going to feel once it was gone. Let me tell you, I worked my ass off. I never had less than 2 jobs, including a full-time career, and I burned myself out for trying. Fast forward to 7 years after graduating and I finally paid the last of the debt. Sure, I felt relief, but I didn’t really celebrate, or even take time to reflect upon all that I had sacrificed to pay it off. I congratulated myself for a second, and before I knew it I was off to planning a wedding, and weddings are expensive, so the $90 000 that I spent 7 years paying off suddenly became insignificant. I’ve done this with every accomplishment I can think of. Everything was barely acknowledged and certainly nothing was celebrated.
As someone who is actively trying to get out of that work hard, play hard mentality, I’ve had to take a step back from working so much and always being on autopilot, laser-focused on the next goal, because living in that state is never restful. In fact, it is stressful. I don’t want to simply survive in this life; I want to thrive in it. In one of my consultation sessions with a spiritual guide & teacher, I was told to stop being so hard on myself. I was kind of surprised, because thankfully, I rarely fall victim to negative self-talk, I have a pretty good self-image, and I’ve done a lot of work to slow down and be more mindful. She went on to expand that even though I might not treat myself negatively, I certainly don’t focus on what I’m doing well. I don’t celebrate my successes, I don’t acknowledge my hard work, and I don’t have the ability to step back, look at my life and work through an eagle eye perspective, and see ALL that I’ve accomplished. I’m guessing most of my readers haven’t either. We are so hard-wired for negativity that we focus on what we haven’t done, what we need to do, what we failed to do or what we need to do better. When we get together with our friends, we very rarely lift each other up. We are so stuck in our mindset of negativity that we can’t pull ourselves out of it and encourage each other and celebrate for others.
In an effort to re-wire my own brain, I’ve started to meditate in positivity and love, and to take a deep, grateful breath before sending off, or after receiving, any business-related emails or payments. I’m sharing my successes with my friends and with my readers. I’m appreciating when I receive affirmations from the universe that I’m on the right track.
So what can we do to re-wire our brain for the positive? What if we told our friends what they were doing well instead of commiserating in collective failures? What if we chose kindness over ego? What if we had a small ceremony for our own accomplishments? What if we stopped bragging but started consciously sharing our triumphs? If we all make an intention to do just one of these things, we have the power to change the structure of our brain, live happier, more grateful lives and rise up by celebrating our successes.
And so it is.
If you would like some help to pull yourself out of negative habits and replace them with more positive, uplifting ones, please consider us working together. Check out my services and contact me for more info.
Together, we rise.