Judgement, Expectations and Perception

"Why am I so judgemental?" I asked.

"Because you're a perfectionist.  You expect the world to do things the way you would do them," she replied. 

"Oh.  That makes sense," I retorted knowingly. 

"Try to understand that others are doing the best they can," she advised.

---

Have you ever had a moment where you thought, "why are you SUCH a moron?!" when someone just isn't getting it, is taking to long to get something done, or simply doesn't do things to your standards? I have, lots of times.  Actually, I'm guilty of telling my husband he is annoying on an almost daily basis (in a loving way, of course).    

I'm judgemental; we all are in our own way.  I'm an aries, I'm a perfectionist, I like order and organization and I like things done right the first time, so maybe that's all part of it.  I'm not boasting or saying that I'm proud of it, but I do recognize it's there and I need to do better.  This is all part of my own growth and ability to do the work that I do.  It's pretty hard for me to say "I'm a life coach - SPREAD LOVE" in one breath then complain about someone or something in the next breath and also feel like I'm being my best, most authentic self.  Those actions just don't align.  

Evolution has hardwired us for judgement, especially skewed towards the negative.   We've been hardwired to evaluate every environment, situation, person and encounter as good or bad, and when we see something as bad or negative, our brain says "DANGER, YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA DIE!" and catapults us into a self-protective reaction.  This is where the fight or flight response kicks in and prepares our bodies to stay and fight, or turn and run.  All of this happens automatically, in a split-second, and without actual, rational thought. 

In 2018, in modern society, we aren't really at the same risk of being mauled by a bear, bitten by a snake or attacked by an enemy like we were thousands of years ago, yet our brains and our bodies react to so-called negative situations as if they're a life-or-death-scenario.  This is where fear, stress, anxiety and all the behaviours that come along with those emotions kick in, judgement being one of them. 

We judge how people drive on the road, how they parent their kids, how they live their lives and how they do their work as if we are right and they are wrong.  But if they were to look at our driving, parenting, living situation or work-life, they might think the same thing about us.  So who is right?  Neither.  It's all a matter of perception.  Perception is how we make sense of and interpret the world around us, and it's unique to each person.  

My perceptions are my interpretation of the world based on my own unique experience.  Therefore I expect the world to behave the way I would, and if that doesn't happen, my hard-wiring kicks in and forms a judgement on the rest of the world.  But how could I possibly expect the entire world to behave the way I would, when every single individual has had their own unique experience and expectations?  Of course, logically, it doesn't make any sense that I should expect someone to behave the way I think is best.     

This is where it is SO important that we become aware of our own negative automatic thoughts and start to challenge them.  We need to realize that our own expectations are just a reflection of our perceptions, and acknowledge that the world does not need to behave the way we expect it to.  We are not so special that we set the rules for other people.  Furthermore, having expectations sets us up for failure, because we already know another human being has a different world-view and will handle something differently, so of course they will never live up to our expectations.  Our unmet expectations then lead to judgement.   

If we step back and recognize that every person is doing the best they can, based on their experience, we start taking things less personally.  It stops being about our own ego and self-cherishing and we become a little more accepting.

Wouldn't the world be a boring place if everyone approached things the same way?  And why do I think my way is better or even correct?  What if I stepped back a little and gave some space for people to just be?  What if we all did that?  What if we celebrated each others' differences? What if we focused on each others' unique strengths and built each other up instead of putting each other down? What if we stopped complaining?  What if we re-framed our negative experiences into positive things?  What if we stopped gossiping? What if we whole-heartedly loved ourselves and stopped judging our own behaviours and actions based on some imaginary ideal?  Maybe, just maybe, that's how love would spread.  Sometimes it feels like we live in a hate-fueled place.  And sometimes, we might unknowingly contribute to that hatred.  But we can change that!  

So let me start with myself: it's time for me to stop judging others based on my own perceptions and expectations.  Hopefully with that, I can inspire others to do the same.  And maybe, we will actually start to SPREAD LOVE, one acceptance at a time.   

And so it is. 

Finding Flow

Way back in my undergraduate degree I learned about the theory of flow, originally coined by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.  Let me tell you, I don't really pride myself as someone who remembers theories and frames of reference, but this one really has stuck with me for the past 13 or so years.  The simplified theory of flow is this: when our skill level surpasses the difficulty of a task, we become bored; when the difficulty of a task surpasses our skill level, we become anxious; when our skill level matches with the difficulty of a task (think Goldilocks), it's juuuuuust right - we reach a highly-focused mental state called flow.  See below, if that didn't make much sense: 

Skill level > Difficulty level --> boredom

Skill level < Difficulty level --> anxiety

Skill level = Difficulty level --> FLOW

Applied in the real world, flow is a state in which we become so absorbed in an activity that we lose track of time and all that is around us.  Hours can pass as we engage in an activity; we might forget to eat or put off going to the bathroom because we are so absorbed.

Lately, I have been doing a lot of brain rest thanks to post-concussion syndrome, so I can't really say I've been too engaged in things that have been super exciting, challenging or fun, and if I have, I've been wearing earplugs, which kind of ruins the experience.  Actually, I've been restin' like the best of 'em.  But I recently had some time off and had a little more energy to do some fun stuff. YAY!   

Believe it or not, I experienced flow 3 times this past week.  I went to a hip-hop choreography class; this is something I used to do in my university days both in classes and on my own for fun, but I hadn't done it in about a decade.  I tried a beginner's drop-in class, and the hour went by without me even thinking about anything else.  Later that week I was working on a sewing project.  I don't often sew, but when I do, I'm super focused on getting sh** done.  I ACTUALLY forgot to eat lunch, and that's a huge deal for me because I don't often forget about eating.  I was out hiking on the Bruce Trail with my husband over the weekend.  The terrain changed frequently and we had to be aware of how and where we were stepping.  We went from dirt to rocks to moss to shrubs to climbing with both hands and feet.  The views were amazing and being in nature was so therapeutic.  Little did we know, hours had gone by and it was time to head back out of the park.  

So why am I so taken by flow activities? Here are just some of the benefits that I've observed: mindfulness; engagement in meaningful activities; a sense of oneness; connecting with my intuition; having fun; challenging myself; feelings of accomplishment; being focused on the process rather than just the product; happiness & calm.  I'm sure research would tell us there are a lot more benefits, and Mihaly would say that Flow is the Secret to Happiness.  Google it! 

If you're feeling like you're stuck in a rut, or as if your life is a little blah these days, then I'd suggest trying to find a flow activity and see how it makes you feel.  If you're not sure how to find something that lights your fire, see how you might answer these questions:

• Do you have any hobbies? What are they?
• Can you think of a time you were so absorbed in an activity, you lost track of the world around you?  What was the activity?
• What did you enjoy doing as a child?
• Is there an activity you've been meaning to do, but keep putting off?  What is it?
• Is there a skill you want to learn?  Are there local classes/workshops or Youtube videos you can find to teach you?
• Do you have any creative/musical/sports/outdoor interests?  What are they? 

I'm just finishing off my week of vacation from my day job, and I'm pretty happy.  I'm feeling tired, but in a good way.  I soaked up lots of sun, and I got to do all kinds of things I enjoyed.  Could it be just because I was on vacation?  Maybe.  Could it be because I got in so many flow activities?  Maybe.  The question is, can I keep this feeling up as I go back to work?  Only if I make the time and effort to do it.  

So often we get stuck in the rut of the daily grind.  We work for the weekend, and before we know it we're grumbling about the Mondays.  We wait for our vacation times, and they come and go in a flash.  Then we're stuck counting down the days, weeks or months til the next vacation.  I'm as guilty of this as the next person, but I think I found the cure.  It doesn't need to be anything extravagant; it doesn't have to be a trip around the world; it most certainly doesn't need to be through acquiring possessions.  

All we need, is to carve out a little time for ourselves, to do an activity we love, just for the sake of loving it.  And that, my friends, can pull us out of a rut, get us engaged in our lives and return us to living for the sake of living instead of waiting for the days to pass until the next weekend or big event. 

Let's stop wishing our days away and get some flow into our lives! 

And so it is.  

The thing about goal setting, failure & getting help

I just recently had a goal of reducing my social media use and screen time in general.  Some days went amazingly and other days were a fail with a capital F.  The great thing about that project is how much I learned when I failed, and how great I felt when I succeeded.  But here's the thing: the only reason I even was able to continue with this goal is that I was accountable to something.  I had a talk scheduled on July 22nd to share my story.  I had friends and a husband who kept me accountable, even if it was totally annoying when I just wanted to give in to failure in that moment.  

And now, the experiment is over, my website launched, and I got SO excited.  My husband said to me the night I got my website up: "Babe, you're relapsing."  I was like "OMG I AM!"  And then I continued down that same path the next day.  And just this morning I realized it will be harder for me to keep up with this goal of reducing screen time now that the big learning curve is over, I know what it is I need to do, and I'm just heading into maintenance mode.  

I don't love goal setting.  I have to do it all the dang time in my work as an occupational therapist.  And the interesting thing is you learn to manipulate your goals so they're reachable and you have a successful outcome.  For example: By discharge, the client will have been assessed in their home and will be provided with one strategy to improve safety.  Ummm...check.  That was easy.  But I only made that goal because I had to.  

When it comes to personal goals, I almost always fail.  Sure, I managed to get through school, get a job, finish my life coaching certification, etc.  But those are very outcome-specific and outcome-oriented.  What I'm talking about is those day to day personal goals that would really impact my quality of life, like meditating on a regular basis, being part of the 5am club everyday, sticking to a workout routine, and the list goes on.  Those are the type of goals that require maintenance, effort and at times, DISCOMFORT.  Like I'd rather be watching cute dog videos or sleeping than waking up at 5am, meditating and working out all before 8am.  I might be a coach, but let me tell you, I'm still human. 

I think many people are in this same boat.  They know WHAT they need to do.  They just don't actually DO it.  Or they do it..for a while..then...kind of.......stop.......forever.  That's why I don't like goals.  Because if they're maintenance-related, and nobody else is affected, or nobody else knows, then it's so easy to forget about them when life gets tough.  And then beat ourselves up when we fail.  

We pay people to coach our kids so they get better at sports, music or arts.  They have teachers to guide them for many years.  We invest in our own education so it will get us a job.  Some folks invest in personal trainers to help them get in shape.  We de-brief with our friends and family about certain difficulties.  But our friends and family get tired of hearing the same old stories again and again (sorry friends about all the concussion talk...it will go away eventually, I promise) and our spouses are not our therapists.  But if you think about it, professional singers still have music coaches, high level athletes have a whole team of coaches and trainers, and that's for the things they're already good at!  So why don't we value investing in things that will help us improve our own lives in some way?   

What kind of world could we live in, if we all valued investing in our adult minds?  What if we took courses for the sake of improving our personal lives, rather than just our work performance?  What if we revived our creative spirit through dance, music or art, just for the sake of being creative?  What if we learned how to meditate and actually did it?  My hypothesis is that we would see a lot more calm, love & light and less hate, judgement & anxiety.  These are process-oriented rather than goal-oriented.  And they have the potential to change us as adults, as parents, as employees, as partners and as friends. 

So let's stop beating ourselves up if we don't meet a goal or miraculously change something that needs to be changed, especially if we're trying to do it all alone or focusing on one end goal.  Let's consider investing some of that hard-earned money in our own well-being.  Maybe it's a course for fun, a workshop, or ...ehmm... hiring a coach (just sayin').  There's no shame in asking for help, or paying for help.  And let's change our goals to be more about the process and less about the outcome.  This will keep us present and mindful.  We don't need to conquer the world with our lofty goals; that thinking will certainly almost always result in failure.  

Let's show ourselves a little more compassion along the way.  Compassion and love can change the world. 

And so it is.              

Welcome!

Hi there!  Welcome to my blog.  It's going to be amazing.  I don't have anything to say yet so please check back often.  You can also take a look at my Instagram page for mini-musings.  I tried to link it here but it didn't work.  You can holler at me on Instagram @rose.quartz.rising.

Talk soon!

Namaste