I just recently had a goal of reducing my social media use and screen time in general. Some days went amazingly and other days were a fail with a capital F. The great thing about that project is how much I learned when I failed, and how great I felt when I succeeded. But here's the thing: the only reason I even was able to continue with this goal is that I was accountable to something. I had a talk scheduled on July 22nd to share my story. I had friends and a husband who kept me accountable, even if it was totally annoying when I just wanted to give in to failure in that moment.
And now, the experiment is over, my website launched, and I got SO excited. My husband said to me the night I got my website up: "Babe, you're relapsing." I was like "OMG I AM!" And then I continued down that same path the next day. And just this morning I realized it will be harder for me to keep up with this goal of reducing screen time now that the big learning curve is over, I know what it is I need to do, and I'm just heading into maintenance mode.
I don't love goal setting. I have to do it all the dang time in my work as an occupational therapist. And the interesting thing is you learn to manipulate your goals so they're reachable and you have a successful outcome. For example: By discharge, the client will have been assessed in their home and will be provided with one strategy to improve safety. Ummm...check. That was easy. But I only made that goal because I had to.
When it comes to personal goals, I almost always fail. Sure, I managed to get through school, get a job, finish my life coaching certification, etc. But those are very outcome-specific and outcome-oriented. What I'm talking about is those day to day personal goals that would really impact my quality of life, like meditating on a regular basis, being part of the 5am club everyday, sticking to a workout routine, and the list goes on. Those are the type of goals that require maintenance, effort and at times, DISCOMFORT. Like I'd rather be watching cute dog videos or sleeping than waking up at 5am, meditating and working out all before 8am. I might be a coach, but let me tell you, I'm still human.
I think many people are in this same boat. They know WHAT they need to do. They just don't actually DO it. Or they do it..for a while..then...kind of.......stop.......forever. That's why I don't like goals. Because if they're maintenance-related, and nobody else is affected, or nobody else knows, then it's so easy to forget about them when life gets tough. And then beat ourselves up when we fail.
We pay people to coach our kids so they get better at sports, music or arts. They have teachers to guide them for many years. We invest in our own education so it will get us a job. Some folks invest in personal trainers to help them get in shape. We de-brief with our friends and family about certain difficulties. But our friends and family get tired of hearing the same old stories again and again (sorry friends about all the concussion talk...it will go away eventually, I promise) and our spouses are not our therapists. But if you think about it, professional singers still have music coaches, high level athletes have a whole team of coaches and trainers, and that's for the things they're already good at! So why don't we value investing in things that will help us improve our own lives in some way?
What kind of world could we live in, if we all valued investing in our adult minds? What if we took courses for the sake of improving our personal lives, rather than just our work performance? What if we revived our creative spirit through dance, music or art, just for the sake of being creative? What if we learned how to meditate and actually did it? My hypothesis is that we would see a lot more calm, love & light and less hate, judgement & anxiety. These are process-oriented rather than goal-oriented. And they have the potential to change us as adults, as parents, as employees, as partners and as friends.
So let's stop beating ourselves up if we don't meet a goal or miraculously change something that needs to be changed, especially if we're trying to do it all alone or focusing on one end goal. Let's consider investing some of that hard-earned money in our own well-being. Maybe it's a course for fun, a workshop, or ...ehmm... hiring a coach (just sayin'). There's no shame in asking for help, or paying for help. And let's change our goals to be more about the process and less about the outcome. This will keep us present and mindful. We don't need to conquer the world with our lofty goals; that thinking will certainly almost always result in failure.
Let's show ourselves a little more compassion along the way. Compassion and love can change the world.
And so it is.